Prep Time The Single Series: Life in the darkness

Have you ever been in a place where there is no electric street lamps? In the night it is just pure darkness, and the sounds of creatures singing away and the rustling of the trees, and the night sky suddenly so vast and mighty? It's crazy because due to most of us living in city, the night-sky is actually polluted with the lights from the buildings and the street lamps. There 's always some form of light being emitted. But what about when it feels like there is no light, no life around you? I'm literally sat here with tears in my eyes, after a very real moment with myself and God. You see I'm very good at acting like I'm okay when I'm not, that everything is  well or when it's not just hiding behind the "Oh you know, I'm just tired." line. I know I'm not by myself in that one either if we’re going to be truthful here. But let me be real for a second, this season I'm in - and truthfully have been for a while, is partially due to my past and current choices. The choices I've made and wilfully acted on, and even entertained. I cry out when will it be my turn, everyone else is moving forward yet I feel stuck in mud. I cry out it's not fair that other's who are doing the same as me - if not worse - get to get all the things they want, but what about me?! Pure brat behaviour. But am I ready?

There are times where the world around me feels very dark, even with the one of the longest summer's I can remember happening in the UK with sunny days and blissful rays, it still feels bleak and dismal. I wish for happier sunnier days again, good vibes and laughter. Now I know it's not and there is so much to be thankful for in life, but I feel I distract myself with envy of other's blessings or how their life seems to be so great. I know I should look at the blessing of being single with no ties to anyone, but it gets hard with all this relationships on the social media highlight reel. The well wishes from the older brethren - have you met a young man yet? Well yeah I have - many in fact, but any one of them suited for me? I'm not so sure. Professionally - I do want to move up to a band 7, but there's so much pressure I put on myself to know everything like those who have been doing it for 10+ years some even 20+, and I'm holding myself up to that standard (as that what I aspire to do). But so much clouds that move, most coming from not believing in myself to do it, or in fear of being judged. Am I even ready? Like really, the reality of the answer right now at 23:36 on 14.09.2019 is no[when this was originally written]. There are things I struggle with, feelings and strongholds I need to overcome in order for me to be the best wife and servant of God I am created to be. The job promotion - as much as I'd love to just step into that role like yesterday, I know there is more that is required of me to know, to do and to learn. There are parts of me that need to be changed to be the best version of myself. But the reality is in my role as a midwife, why is it easier for me to notice what needs to be professionally than in my personal life? I've come home many times just wanting to cry, but held it in and let the overcast shadow all the good that was around me. Then a cloud of shame, another of condemnation, guilt, lies, deceit (the list of clouds go on) and suddenly I'm in a dark place with seemingly no way out. I want to pray about it, but the words never formulate properly. Or I know I'll end up crying - and I don't have time for that! It's crazy because at some point God will get my attention at the most unsuspecting of places - and talk through other's to me. Or even through nature. Sounds odd I'm aware, but after blubbering to God, I went to close my blinds just outside my living room and the tree was lit up with a dark backdrop (see below). There's still life in you Nae, even in the darkness of the night, I will still shine my face upon you. Friends and family who genuinely love me, flaws and all will support you in the crazy thing called life.

Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. 🎶

Going back to Growth, I looked at how a plant grows from a seed. All life starts with a seed which is planted in darkness. From regular watering, care, nourishment the seed grows it's roots (stability), and sprouts upward breaking the ground. It continues to grow over the years stretching out dividing into branches, and more twigs and leaves and fruit/seeds are produced and the cycle starts again and continues. The importance of good soil that is pliable, filled with the right nutrition, and enough space to grow is evident for the full potential to be achieved. This can also mean moving to a new location when you've outgrown that spot or pairing with other plants that complement each other (Google search: companion planting). Why is it then in dark times it's hard to see surrounding yourself with good people, connecting to others' or even moving from the grounding you're in now and onto another bigger better space? There is a huge wealth of knowledge out there for us, we just need to get to grips with it and apply to our lives.

I know that this is just the night period of my life, and that joy will come in the morning. But doing the night I will remember there is still hope in the darkness, still love in the darkness, there is still life in the darkness. The silence that comes with the darkness, also allows you, if you listen carefully and tune your ears to this - God's voice and guidance. Clarity comes with the darkness too. It's funny (not laugh out loud funny) I work nightshifts, and there is literally life that comes in the darkness hours. In fact it is said most babies are born at night-time. Babies awaken in the night to feed (especially breastfed babies) because of needing to feed and gain more goodness from their mother, and that when the hormones are the highest producing milk.

So because of this, I need to remind myself daily until it's a part of me like breathing, that in fact, there is more life in the darkness than it would first appear.

Empress Nae

Sept'19